dude...

some good shit (it's kale chips, not weed, man)

So I was sitting here eating chips earlier reading blogs and it dawned on me... doode! How come I never shared this or posted about these kale chips? holy crap these things are so cheap and good!
Kale (it's always cheap this week it's $0.89 a pound, woot)
Simplest thing ever to make.
Wash it, pay dry, rip leaves from the mother stalk, all the way, tip to end, the stem/stalk is super chewy, tough. You dont want to eat that in your chips. If you are frugal like me, I save my good veggie scraps for stock and Kale stalk is so full of flavor.

Anyhoo, here is the recipe for the chips

1 big bunch of fresh kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (optional, you can add your fun eating junk here)

rip the clean leaves off, put into a big bowl. One tablespoon of olive oil drizzeled in the bowl. I take each leaf and rub it over then place on a baking sheet. The leaves will look shiney, it's not much oil at all. Make sure leaves are not over lapping (i use 3 trays) Then i sprinkle mine with nutritional yeast. I've seen stores make em with parmesan cheese, sea salt, garlic etc but I like mine this way not their way (stick it to the man) Bake at 250 for 25 minutes. I make these all the time. I also save the small crumbs and top it in our air popped corn, egg whites or my homemade (patting myself on my head) yogurt cheese. No butter or salt needed. Da bomb!

God, for real?

I have the willpower of a fucking rusty sieve.

What's the dealio? Exercising sucks, I get it. Being fat is way suckier. Who wants to sound like their grandpa? I miss him but not enough to channel his grunts of despair when getting up off the floor.
I'm still a frugal, meatless, healthy shopper but because of my lack of cardio, not eating enough throughout the day, having one too many beers and loading up on white starchy carbs because I am an addict to potatoes has done ZILCH for this chick. I know what i have to do but I'm such a pansy. I'm such a BLOB of a limp dying pansy, I am a heavy, dead, blob of flower. That is how much of a pansy I am.

Extremely discouraged... this sucks so bad. Wishing I could say I lost 20 pounds or even 10. I hate myself right now. I hope a goat headbutts me right in the gut at such full force it gives me miracle abs. See? Pansy me, always wishing for the easy magical miracles.

normal eggs? Not no mo'!

Just a fast 2 minute blurt...
Why did we waste our mornings and eat plain milk and egg omelets for so long? Some mornings had mushrooms or onions, sometimes cheese or even spinach. How lame... Not no mo'! 
My mom shared a trick about placing a long sprig of rosemary in soups for a short time and it makes the broth, kick you in the throat, good. Since I love being kicked in the throat, but think she's whack for cooking soup in August, I wanted to try it right away! I was melting butter for omelets when the idea hit me to drop a stick of rosemary in it. I am now hooked so I ran over to tell you about it. Just make sure you take it out before adding the eggs and all the whatnot stuff that you add. Remember I want to be kicked but however long you leave it in, is your preference I just wouldn't leave it in too long. Probably no more than 45 seconds. I want a do over of all those lame mornings. I ought to make up for all the years lost to plain omelets and create different versions 5 times a day.

 Onions, tomatoes, a big handful of fresh spinach & egg whites topped with turkey, chives and onion spouts. 

ahh, that was a nice kick.

fruity stew

It was a dark and stormy night morning... 



There is just something weird to me about having cereal or eating yogurt for breakfast on a rainy and gloomy  morning. It's like making a "Yay, you are 5!" birthday card and only having brown glitter, getting a back rub from a midget Gerard Butler, or a crying unicorn. There's just no point in trying to mesh bummers with happiness. Not really bummers because I do love the rain but ya know it tranquilizes a person. There's no energy packed blow dart for a reason.

Or is there?... 

When it was rainy a couple days ago, I whipped up a healthy "heavy fruity stew" I was so full that I caught myself slipping in and out of consciousness like how grandpas do, upright in the chair. I was falling into a food coma even though I had just woken up 30 mins ago. A protein shake never did that! So comfy, yet in a few minutes, I was buzzing around everywhere with energy.

Heavy Fruity Stew 

1/2 cup of nonfat yogurt

1 - 2 tbsp freshly ground flaxseeds 

1 tsp of whole flaxseed for the crunch

1 tbsp of oat bran

1 tbsp of chia seeds

1/2 cup fresh strawberries & 1/2 banana sliced (next time I'm doing fresh blueberries)

combine all ingredients and top with fruit. 

wait a few minutes (for chia and flax seeds to thicken yogurt) 

Probably shouldn't eat this every morning due to the temporary lethargy it causes but here are some suggestions on when it's okay to do so... 

• "I hate you aunt flo, you must die" bad cramp day
• I cant believe all I have in my fridge is flax, chia seeds, oatbran, yogurt, berries and bananas. What will I eat?
• I need comfort food even though I don't have time to get depressed since I just woke up
• I'm laying on a faux bearskin in front of the fireplace with a beefcake and it's snowing outside of my log cabin
• I wonder how Grandpa felt when he slept like that
• I need a healthy blowdart to the stomach

sticky balls

My eyes detach themselves and roll back in my head when I eat one because it's that gooooood!

much modified form of almond rice chews from the internet. I wish I remembered the site but I just wrote the recipe it down awhile ago on an past due electric bill envelope. My changes are in the (parenthesis) and I call em sticky balls. 

• 1/4 cup chunky almond butter (I used 1/4 of crunchy raw almond butter usually, can use any nut butter I assume)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract (1 tsp almond extract)
• 1 cup rice crisp cereal 
• 3 tbsp brown rice syrup (They don't sell that shit anywhere so I used 3 tbsp of honey)
• 1 tbsp cacao nibs (yuck, I used dried currants, YUM!)

mix nut butter, extract and syrup/honey together, nuke for 30 seconds then mix in rice cereal while still hot, fold in the 1 TABLESPOON of the "sweet treat" chocolate or any dried fruit. 

Wet hands and I use a table spoon to heap scoop out beer pong ball sized balls. 

Seal it in something on wax paper, put in fridge or freezer. I do the latter. Lick bowl clean. 

Eat it before you work out because it's an awesome pre-workout food :) Candy/cookie before working out? Trick is you can only eat one *whimper* but still, I freeze mine so it takes LONGER to eat. 

Run, fun bags, RUN!

61 days, that's 8 almost 9 weeks since I started my "healthy living" crusade and nothing... nothfucking? So I fumbled a meal, maybe 3 but I lassoed that wagon back FAST and jumped on again. Prince of peace, I quit smoking, please forgive me! What's with the severe punishment? I'm not understanding what else, short of a fat sucking lipo procedure, I have to do?!?! 

Exercise?? eeew. I had hoped my heavy, fun bags, would have shrunk some by now so that I could do some cardio without any torso, facial and pride damage. Obviously, after stepping on the scale, it's not happening. What is happening is, I'm becoming homicidal.

I guess my walking everywhere because I cant afford a car or the insurance love mother earth so much isn't working.  I walk at the pace of an injured sloth and I window shop, hunt for my kids, trip joggers, talk to myself, pet mean dogs, forget where I am going, jump on passing buses, et cetera, et cetera. so little to no calories are being burned this way. My new addendum for this mission is... to take up running. 

whatthefuck? I scare myself. 

The last time I ran, I was playing kickball for hours and hours and at one point the next day I thought I had passed out with 2 broken ankles and woke up with breast cancer. So I'm dramatic, shut it, (once I was elbowed so hard with such great force that I had a lump for several months that lump became a breast cancer scare till I remembered I was elbowed, that hard with great force, several months before) nevertheless, I was that sore. At least now I know I gotta ease into this running, I'm a jock, thing. Wrestle with a sports bra until it looks like I'm smuggling a log safely against my chest every morning and take it to the streets for a hasty little stroll. Work my way up to a fast walk, then perhaps start skipping till I can trust galloping safely then before we all know it I am running like everyone's buddy, Forrest Gump. Watch me. 

morose, miserable, melancholy, moping Mania on the loose

woke up irritated in many ways today.

1. regretting the shit i ate a couple days ago... so hard to avoid shitty food when out and about. Easy to say "just plan a meal and pack it to go" but  kids and I are fluky and I don't want to change our free spirit of running out whenever we want/can. I refuse to be a stable, organized, mom. ew. I have to get into the habit of saying, no thanks or do you have any grain? Maybe I have to watch this to see why we need to avoid chicken. I already watched the, pre-falling off rocker, Joaquin Phoenix narrated, earthlings. A huge chunk of me, died that day. anyhoo, i'm pissed off i ate so shitty while out. 

chicken maggots,  chicken scrotum skin,  chicken bubbly phlegm, chicken port a potty at comfest in blazing sun, chicken burt reynolds. Trying to initiate some automatic chicken thinking reflexes so next time I say chicken I might vomit on the spot. Yum chicken? NO, chicken diarrhea!

2. why do i blog? i don't have the time for it barely and it's not something i enjoy when i have no followers or people who read it. I'd rather just send a short text of my daily doings to the 2 people who read this shit.

3. Brian has a doctor appointment today and I am terrified for him.
4. I could care less what happens to the ecosystem as long as someone could promise me there was a way to kill all mosquitoes. I don't even want all spiders, bees and wasps dead, just asking for the mosquitoes to die.
5. I have to filter my thoughts & words. I hate that.
I cant keep venting, it's just bringing more bitterness out. Stuff that isn't even related to food and health. Off to walk and search for some imaginary happy gas, sauce or whatever form it comes in. This being down shit is for the birds.