dude...

some good shit (it's kale chips, not weed, man)

So I was sitting here eating chips earlier reading blogs and it dawned on me... doode! How come I never shared this or posted about these kale chips? holy crap these things are so cheap and good!
Kale (it's always cheap this week it's $0.89 a pound, woot)
Simplest thing ever to make.
Wash it, pay dry, rip leaves from the mother stalk, all the way, tip to end, the stem/stalk is super chewy, tough. You dont want to eat that in your chips. If you are frugal like me, I save my good veggie scraps for stock and Kale stalk is so full of flavor.

Anyhoo, here is the recipe for the chips

1 big bunch of fresh kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (optional, you can add your fun eating junk here)

rip the clean leaves off, put into a big bowl. One tablespoon of olive oil drizzeled in the bowl. I take each leaf and rub it over then place on a baking sheet. The leaves will look shiney, it's not much oil at all. Make sure leaves are not over lapping (i use 3 trays) Then i sprinkle mine with nutritional yeast. I've seen stores make em with parmesan cheese, sea salt, garlic etc but I like mine this way not their way (stick it to the man) Bake at 250 for 25 minutes. I make these all the time. I also save the small crumbs and top it in our air popped corn, egg whites or my homemade (patting myself on my head) yogurt cheese. No butter or salt needed. Da bomb!

God, for real?

I have the willpower of a fucking rusty sieve.

What's the dealio? Exercising sucks, I get it. Being fat is way suckier. Who wants to sound like their grandpa? I miss him but not enough to channel his grunts of despair when getting up off the floor.
I'm still a frugal, meatless, healthy shopper but because of my lack of cardio, not eating enough throughout the day, having one too many beers and loading up on white starchy carbs because I am an addict to potatoes has done ZILCH for this chick. I know what i have to do but I'm such a pansy. I'm such a BLOB of a limp dying pansy, I am a heavy, dead, blob of flower. That is how much of a pansy I am.

Extremely discouraged... this sucks so bad. Wishing I could say I lost 20 pounds or even 10. I hate myself right now. I hope a goat headbutts me right in the gut at such full force it gives me miracle abs. See? Pansy me, always wishing for the easy magical miracles.

normal eggs? Not no mo'!

Just a fast 2 minute blurt...
Why did we waste our mornings and eat plain milk and egg omelets for so long? Some mornings had mushrooms or onions, sometimes cheese or even spinach. How lame... Not no mo'! 
My mom shared a trick about placing a long sprig of rosemary in soups for a short time and it makes the broth, kick you in the throat, good. Since I love being kicked in the throat, but think she's whack for cooking soup in August, I wanted to try it right away! I was melting butter for omelets when the idea hit me to drop a stick of rosemary in it. I am now hooked so I ran over to tell you about it. Just make sure you take it out before adding the eggs and all the whatnot stuff that you add. Remember I want to be kicked but however long you leave it in, is your preference I just wouldn't leave it in too long. Probably no more than 45 seconds. I want a do over of all those lame mornings. I ought to make up for all the years lost to plain omelets and create different versions 5 times a day.

 Onions, tomatoes, a big handful of fresh spinach & egg whites topped with turkey, chives and onion spouts. 

ahh, that was a nice kick.

fruity stew

It was a dark and stormy night morning... 



There is just something weird to me about having cereal or eating yogurt for breakfast on a rainy and gloomy  morning. It's like making a "Yay, you are 5!" birthday card and only having brown glitter, getting a back rub from a midget Gerard Butler, or a crying unicorn. There's just no point in trying to mesh bummers with happiness. Not really bummers because I do love the rain but ya know it tranquilizes a person. There's no energy packed blow dart for a reason.

Or is there?... 

When it was rainy a couple days ago, I whipped up a healthy "heavy fruity stew" I was so full that I caught myself slipping in and out of consciousness like how grandpas do, upright in the chair. I was falling into a food coma even though I had just woken up 30 mins ago. A protein shake never did that! So comfy, yet in a few minutes, I was buzzing around everywhere with energy.

Heavy Fruity Stew 

1/2 cup of nonfat yogurt

1 - 2 tbsp freshly ground flaxseeds 

1 tsp of whole flaxseed for the crunch

1 tbsp of oat bran

1 tbsp of chia seeds

1/2 cup fresh strawberries & 1/2 banana sliced (next time I'm doing fresh blueberries)

combine all ingredients and top with fruit. 

wait a few minutes (for chia and flax seeds to thicken yogurt) 

Probably shouldn't eat this every morning due to the temporary lethargy it causes but here are some suggestions on when it's okay to do so... 

• "I hate you aunt flo, you must die" bad cramp day
• I cant believe all I have in my fridge is flax, chia seeds, oatbran, yogurt, berries and bananas. What will I eat?
• I need comfort food even though I don't have time to get depressed since I just woke up
• I'm laying on a faux bearskin in front of the fireplace with a beefcake and it's snowing outside of my log cabin
• I wonder how Grandpa felt when he slept like that
• I need a healthy blowdart to the stomach

sticky balls

My eyes detach themselves and roll back in my head when I eat one because it's that gooooood!

much modified form of almond rice chews from the internet. I wish I remembered the site but I just wrote the recipe it down awhile ago on an past due electric bill envelope. My changes are in the (parenthesis) and I call em sticky balls. 

• 1/4 cup chunky almond butter (I used 1/4 of crunchy raw almond butter usually, can use any nut butter I assume)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract (1 tsp almond extract)
• 1 cup rice crisp cereal 
• 3 tbsp brown rice syrup (They don't sell that shit anywhere so I used 3 tbsp of honey)
• 1 tbsp cacao nibs (yuck, I used dried currants, YUM!)

mix nut butter, extract and syrup/honey together, nuke for 30 seconds then mix in rice cereal while still hot, fold in the 1 TABLESPOON of the "sweet treat" chocolate or any dried fruit. 

Wet hands and I use a table spoon to heap scoop out beer pong ball sized balls. 

Seal it in something on wax paper, put in fridge or freezer. I do the latter. Lick bowl clean. 

Eat it before you work out because it's an awesome pre-workout food :) Candy/cookie before working out? Trick is you can only eat one *whimper* but still, I freeze mine so it takes LONGER to eat. 

Run, fun bags, RUN!

61 days, that's 8 almost 9 weeks since I started my "healthy living" crusade and nothing... nothfucking? So I fumbled a meal, maybe 3 but I lassoed that wagon back FAST and jumped on again. Prince of peace, I quit smoking, please forgive me! What's with the severe punishment? I'm not understanding what else, short of a fat sucking lipo procedure, I have to do?!?! 

Exercise?? eeew. I had hoped my heavy, fun bags, would have shrunk some by now so that I could do some cardio without any torso, facial and pride damage. Obviously, after stepping on the scale, it's not happening. What is happening is, I'm becoming homicidal.

I guess my walking everywhere because I cant afford a car or the insurance love mother earth so much isn't working.  I walk at the pace of an injured sloth and I window shop, hunt for my kids, trip joggers, talk to myself, pet mean dogs, forget where I am going, jump on passing buses, et cetera, et cetera. so little to no calories are being burned this way. My new addendum for this mission is... to take up running. 

whatthefuck? I scare myself. 

The last time I ran, I was playing kickball for hours and hours and at one point the next day I thought I had passed out with 2 broken ankles and woke up with breast cancer. So I'm dramatic, shut it, (once I was elbowed so hard with such great force that I had a lump for several months that lump became a breast cancer scare till I remembered I was elbowed, that hard with great force, several months before) nevertheless, I was that sore. At least now I know I gotta ease into this running, I'm a jock, thing. Wrestle with a sports bra until it looks like I'm smuggling a log safely against my chest every morning and take it to the streets for a hasty little stroll. Work my way up to a fast walk, then perhaps start skipping till I can trust galloping safely then before we all know it I am running like everyone's buddy, Forrest Gump. Watch me. 

morose, miserable, melancholy, moping Mania on the loose

woke up irritated in many ways today.

1. regretting the shit i ate a couple days ago... so hard to avoid shitty food when out and about. Easy to say "just plan a meal and pack it to go" but  kids and I are fluky and I don't want to change our free spirit of running out whenever we want/can. I refuse to be a stable, organized, mom. ew. I have to get into the habit of saying, no thanks or do you have any grain? Maybe I have to watch this to see why we need to avoid chicken. I already watched the, pre-falling off rocker, Joaquin Phoenix narrated, earthlings. A huge chunk of me, died that day. anyhoo, i'm pissed off i ate so shitty while out. 

chicken maggots,  chicken scrotum skin,  chicken bubbly phlegm, chicken port a potty at comfest in blazing sun, chicken burt reynolds. Trying to initiate some automatic chicken thinking reflexes so next time I say chicken I might vomit on the spot. Yum chicken? NO, chicken diarrhea!

2. why do i blog? i don't have the time for it barely and it's not something i enjoy when i have no followers or people who read it. I'd rather just send a short text of my daily doings to the 2 people who read this shit.

3. Brian has a doctor appointment today and I am terrified for him.
4. I could care less what happens to the ecosystem as long as someone could promise me there was a way to kill all mosquitoes. I don't even want all spiders, bees and wasps dead, just asking for the mosquitoes to die.
5. I have to filter my thoughts & words. I hate that.
I cant keep venting, it's just bringing more bitterness out. Stuff that isn't even related to food and health. Off to walk and search for some imaginary happy gas, sauce or whatever form it comes in. This being down shit is for the birds.

birds everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief...

Of course I would never for the rest of my natural life eat beef, game, pork, or any meat, meat... but if you had already read my overly dramatic post on the parrot attack, I said that I no longer have a problem eating birds. That same night, after the feather fuck attacked me, I ate Wendy's spicy chicken with a smile. I'm not smiling these days. God forbid if a teething baby was to bite me. Club it & fling it on a grill?
 Last time i quit 'the chicken', I just cared about the poor animal. Instead of chicken, I'd have mozzarella sticks, french fries or garlic bread. I didn't eat for my health, I ate making sure no one's mom was in my food. I was also smoking then too so there was no reason to eat healthy.  Now that I'm eating for my health, I think of all the diseases those nasty factory / slaughtered birds have. If I raised my own chicken, I honestly would probably send one off to be butchered every so often. I'd make it special, on birthdays. Happy Birthday Anya, here's your butchered chicken. For now, I wont purposely taunt and threaten fowls or give tuna fishes the stink eye but I will avoid it and murder a cucumber... with my bare hands.

slice in half lengthwise & scoop out  center & seeds, put in bowl

I added 1/4 of a pickle, ounce of feta cheese, chives, green onions

1/2 cup cottage cheese, tablespoon of flax & raw sunflower seeds. 

fold all ingredients together and top hollow cucumber. 

so delish!

I would love to think of other ways/versions of this. I also cant wait to try my second batch of homemade granola, new recipe with natural homemade applesauce instead of brown sugar. 

being a show off

I am so proud of the dramatic change I did in my kitchen. I was not planning on taking silly pictures of my pantry and fridge but every time I open it now to cook or get a snack musical notes float out of it and I am just so PROUD of myself! Wishing I did a before picture but check out my after...

*singing* "here's my lil ol pantry filled with good shit...

 our lil old fridge filled with fruits mangoes, tomatoes, apples, bananas. Not pictured are my 2 veg drawer with Kale, Red, Green & Boston Lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, green onions, squashs...not to mention my basil, rosemary, chives, sweet leaf (like sugar but not) plants and sprouts. 

 Oh but I bet her freezer is filled with crappy stuff, you say? NOPE!!! Sprouted breads (they were on sale so I stocked up, frozen berries, vegetables and a bag of ice (ice maker is broken)

 i dont mean to brag I'm just so amazed that I can grab anything, look at the box and understand what is in it. every word... no lingo chemical shit. I love it!

New recipe I made that didnt go over well with family (but i like it a lot) is Kale Chips.
Wash and dry one bunch of kale, remove stalk and rib. Cut leaves into 1.5-2 inch squares put in large bowl add just one tablespoon of olive oil, a twist or 2 of sea salt, toss it around till lightly coated. lay them flat & bake at 275 for 20 minutes.
(I used preheated stoneware, it doesn't stick so do what you have to for your dish)
Kale is super healthy in so many ways but the only way the family will eat it is if I cut it into skinny strips to blend  in with red lettuce mixed into salads. Oh well one way or another, at least we get all the kick ass healthy benefits from this bumpy cruciferous veggie. $0.80 plus tbsp of olive oil? I can totally afford this!!

This morning I cut up a Macintosh Apple, spread almond butter on one side, dipped it in my homemade granola and I felt so guilty eating it but it's extremely healthy. The kids love it and even Brian who is hard to please or hand out compliments, made a happy grunting noise. 

My beautiful granola... made with almonds, flax, sunflower, pumpkin seeds, rolled oats, honey, wheat germ, currant berries.

all serious and no humor today.. insomnia blows.

Velvet Painting of Tater Tots, SOLD!

I have always loved tater tots. When they are called crowns or rounds or when they are mini, I almost always, almost cry. I love them a little more than the normal person does. Like, the 1st time I ever went to, Dirty Frank's Hot Dog Palace, in my random mind, I remember that I started snapping my fingers while skating backwards in place, while throwing my hand to the skies and shouting "Sonofabitch, vegan wieners and tater tots!" Who does that? Come on that is fantastic! This brilliant Frank (is that even his or her name) guy, dirty of not, has fucking TATER TOTS! God, I miss that place! They're still there and I'm sure they're still amazing. If you have never been there, GO! Their menu will floor you. The side dishes are like, taters - of course,  mac and cheese, onion rings, salty pretzels... desserts are Jeni's icecream, Baklavas and they have funnel FRIES, sprinkled with 'sin'omen & sugar, Jesus Mary and Joeseph! They do have those regular pork/chicken/beef, hooves/beak/carcass remains wieners too. Anyhoo, getting out of control here...

 I just wanted to talk about taters... taters *clearing my mind* let's talk tater tots, tater talk, we go...

Yesterday, Anya was reading the ingredients/nutrition facts on a bag of frozen taters. The motto in the house now is "if you cant read it, it's full of cancer and chemicals, so throw it away". She looked closer and made a "wtf" face to the bag while reading it... I'm watching her make this wtf face and I'm thinking to myself, well, taters are safe, what's the matter with her? Taters are made from heaven's garden, organically composted with magical unicorn manure & tossed in edible amber glitter chunks. Anya went to throw the whole bag out. Never did I get up so fast and stop her with an "emergency disclaimer". I told her how I have failed her by homeschooling her and that I'm a loser & a liar. I read the bag, hoping that I see words that maybe she doesn't know e.g., unicorn farts, holograms, azure, supermundane...and that i can teach her them now... anything to make the chemical cancer words into mythical magical words. I want, Tater Tots to mean immortality on a cookie sheet. Potatoes, oil, corn flour, dextrose, disodium dihydrogen phyrophosphate, natural flavoring. Okay, I can read 50% of it! Does that count?! The nutritional value is jack shit and the other 50% is really chemically sounding... ew. When I was fighting the urges I realized I was lusting the tots!!! I raise the tots over my head, snap my wrists and in perfect shooting form the tots are in the trash, 2 points. I cant be trusted just eating 10,like the serving size said. I would eat em till belly sticks out and I get sleepy. If it were Jack Sparrow, I would have had 20 rounds with it, against his will. That is how infatuated I get with em. Lust is not real or lasting and you're gonna feel like shit afterwards. Lust feels so good at first but not long term. Lust is an STD or CHF or IBS waiting to happen. I want my cooter, heart and intestines to remain pink and clean. I'm kicking those taters to the curb like i do boys. Sticking to the stuff I can read and the boy I can trust.
speaking of keeping things pink... dead chicken flesh...
No no... that's another post for another day but FYI... I'm quitting the chicken again.
PS- I just re-read my entire post and am concerned at how weird I get when typing and not filtering my thoughts. I lied, i dont care about filtering things.
ppss- I will still eat some garbage when going out such as, chemically vegan burgers, I just wont buy and cook it. I'm too broke to ever go out so garbage intake should be very minimal, plus I save that garbage allowance for real potatoes & Pabst. Pabst has Pegasus stuff in it.

quotes shmoats

"Go Hard or Go Home!" 

          - every jock & coach alive
umm... Can anyone tell me whats wrong with going home? i love home. This is not very assuring at all

"We're all going to die. The Trick is not to rush it" 

         - MacGyver
*talking dramatically* Should I put down this cup of  melted colby cheese, MacGyver?

"Death is peacful, easy ... life is harder ..." 

          - Bella Swan, that Kristen Stewart chick
Yeah, if you're into kissing dogs & bats. You, no facial muscle having, negative nancy, go eat a sandwich. Get some UV rays, Vitamin D or colored foundation while you're at it. (can you tell I'm not a fan of her?)

"ha ha ha, dying tickles ..." 

          - Ralph Wiggum

I guess that one is good to know *wiping brow*

full of if and or buts

This is not a diet blog. I am not following prayers, powder shakes, "Hi, I'm Ronnie" diet pills. There will be no fat free dressings, freeze dehydrated African berries or any miracle chocolates. This will be slow and boring and that's ok because I am not looking to get into a bikini next week, or even this summer or even... ever. ha! Can you imagine? What if, along with my clumsiness, bouncy go wild boobs and my father's dna/genes that created my trowel/spade/shovel shaped ass, I have no business even dreaming of bikinis. I would be labeled the town perv. 1st, my bottom would drop because I have no ass then my boobs would slide and drop out, one after the other, from bending over. Grown men and children will point, wail and cry, jail is where I go and my kids lives and eyes are ruined. Not taking any chances. no no no never. ew. (Well, unless it's slapping on a loin cloth and bellowing out to the neighborhood, I'd totally do that, fat or not.)

This is just my blog to vent about kicking any bad habits and finding ways to get healthier and hopefully a lot smaller.

I love my spawns, more than I ever, crushed on, or loved my own self. They're the reason that I quit smoking, buy fruits & vegetables and say no to street drugs & gangs. I am not doing enough though. I want to practice what I preach. I cant command them to be the healthiest humans alive and outlive everyone, forever, twice when I'm still unhealthy... BUT this really shouldn't be all that hard since the kids have been raised mostly on a vegetarian diet (up until this year, where we are now eating foul fowls). We eat mostly whole wheat & grain, avoid enriched or white rice and bread. We never eat beef, pork or game meat, of course *retch* Less than a year ago I changed a lot of the processed food habits but we're still using butter, salt mayo and cheese PIZZA for flavor... *sigh* BUT this has proven to be pretty friggin hard.

I gotta come up with some cheers, battle cries, mantras or motto's to keep me going for rest of my days.

(ooh, HEY-LLO*snapping fingers* that's totally my next future post!) 

Getting the big addiction out of the way 1st.

Quitting cigarette smoking didn't give me much to talk about (shocking, I know) so I've decided that I hereby am consecrating all of my shitty habits to this blog, potato & pabst practitioner... 

Let's take a gander of my quitting meth, shall we? 

Day one- I quit smoking cigarettes. Oy, this is hard. *flipping off everyone... even babies* I already hate my once happy life.

Week one - PMSing and extremely homicidal *grunting & swinging at people who smoke to watch them flinch. Babbling random cuss words at old people because they are sooo effin sloooow. Mocking, the stupid happy dogs who bark and wag their tail, with an extreme look of disgust to their owners. "yap. yip. yap. yip yippe ki yay mother fucker, shut your happy dog up"*   

Week two - on my period (yay), so I am still crabby (yay) yet now I proved that I can trigger some sort of Bi-Polarism (yay) because I also cry like a baby (yay). *weakly fist pumping like a new jersyan* No one knows the pain. I literally day dream of jumping up & down on happy thriving people. This is especially true with humans aged between 2-5 years old because they switch on their bi polarism too and I hate it! *frothing hate juice from my mouth*  "are you happy or a sad piece of shit? You know nothing of pain!" then I easily toss the kid 70 miles into the sky.

Week three - I smell and eat everything. nom nom nom. everything tastes so different! I can smell everything too. Trees are scented! Water has a scent. Rain oh glorious rain and sharp cheddar, how wonderful you smell!!! I smell and eat everything! 

Week four - smoking sucks, the end. *bowing*

hand over my heart

I'm not gonna go overboard because I want to keep true to my life mission of being honest.

           The promises that I can promise to promise...

• I will never smoke another fucking cigarette again.

• I will never buy "fat free" anything, unless it's naturally fat free, like saliva, tears or cabbage.

• I will never really buy saliva or tears, I will continue to make those on my own for free. 

• I also will never buy those 100 calories packs of cookies or low fat anything, unless it's naturally low fat like a communion "body of christ" wafer or a quarter of a vegan cookie from pattycakes.

• I wouldn't really buy communion wafers.. wait, yes I would. Those are carbs, I love carbs. Holy carbs, even better! win win.

• I will drink water out of my "comfest" mug several times a day. NOT Pabst Blue Ribbon, several times a day. 

• ^  I will still pee... a lot  ^

• I will probably hate myself a lot and wonder why I am even trying. 

• I will not lie to myself about what I am eating. 

• and I will try my best.