punch you in the mouf, good

new recipe,  a handful of our kale turned into this...

-a batch of kale (ours was from garden you can see my girl spawn picking more)
-one tsp honey
-one tbsp olive oil
-juice from a 1/2 lemon
-a few yellow cherry tomatoes
-a small handful raw english peas
-a small handful of almonds, toast em to bring the flavor out.
-a small handful of dried fruit, I used orange flavored dried cranberries from TJ, chopped and I added coconut (I add coconut to almost everything). Dried currant would be good or raisin if you like that stuff.
salt & pepper
I think thats it.
Processed the kale in food processor till well chopped. Mix honey, oil and lemon juice, add salt and pepper pour over chopped kale, mix well. add dried fruit and nuts before serving.

now it's going to punch your mouth repeatedly when you eat, so good. 

bird food

Millet prepared with celery and onion stock, a massive clean salad (arugrula, swiss chard, spinach, peppers, celery, cucumber, shoots, peas, yellow tomato, flax seeds and a sprinkle of nut. yeast) and 2 sweet potato steaks roasted with sesame oil and rosemary. Cracked pink salt all over my dish & I'm actually liking millet these days...

They're not going to be crack-heads

I was having a guilt trip about letting my little chick drink a Fanta Orange today. Then I looked at her lunch, it was so healthy and now we sit and eat dinner it is 100% vegetables and they're chowing it down mmmm-ing and all that good stuff. Fuck it! my guilt is out the door. I snapped a few pictures tho to remember the moment, i guess. My humans eat well enough one pop in a blue moon isn't going to hurt. I just get paranoid of the addiction. I want them to hate it but I also want them to enjoy the awesome sugary orange taste of Fanta while drinking out of a bottle.

Dinner was roasted spaghetti squash topped with onions, yellow squash, zucchini, kale, spinach, garlic and bok choy. Kids ate every bit of it and my chick got seconds. Unreal :)

DIY jizz juice for the face

We've all heard the rumor... Jizz is great for your skin but the last I checked no one wants gonad juice on their face. Fret not! I have a DIY immitation jizz exfoliating vitamin C mask! It hurts so good but don't scrub hard just rub in lightly. Here's how to make the microdermalejaculationbrassion 
1 tablespoon of powdered vitamin C (trader joes or health stores carry the pure powder) with 1/2 to 1 tbsp water (make a paste) I used pure aloe vera from a leaf because my skin is so jacked up. Apply to, duh, face. Avoid, duh, eyes.... leave on for 15 mins till, duh, dries. It burns like a, duh, mother!!! Remove with a soft warm wash cloth it will still burn like a bitch but you will feel so good. Your skin needs this, for real. wowza! I rubbed  plain aloe juice on my face afterwards again... I feel like I just came from womb. so soft!

*retch*

touch my face. smooth isnt it!

jizz

Amazeballs

*romantic music playing*

Pea shoots & amazeballs (hemp and chia coated blueberries) kale, green peppers, spinach with one egg cracked on top, topped with a hunk of feta a side of GF toast and a pom tea. 

I don't think it could get any healthier or delicious than this. 

*sucking face with my monitor*
for now I must bid you adieu, fear not... I will eat you again my love. 

AMAZEBALLS

2 tbsp coconut oil (liquid)

2 tbsp of hemp

1 tbsp chia seeds

1/2 c. frozen blueberries

mix oil and seeds then toss blueberries in the coconut oil will harden and coat your balls with amazing seeds. 

the end.

EGGS

brown onions & green peppers, toss in ribboned kale, wilt some fresh spinach then top with one egg, do your salt and pepper dance & cover. duh. 

TOAST

google it. 

Can I get a woot, woot?

I'm just gonna go ahead and brag about my juicer. Is it possible to really love a machine so much? 

example: I slaved over opening 3 pomegranate fruits today.

All 3 combined made over 2 and a half cups of beautiful ruby seeds

my beauty

okay, the boy is pretty beautiful too

 that's the pulp. that's it. It's the size of a raccoon's turd or squirrel?

My hairy face man and spawns drank down the juice while I ran upstairs and sanded my bumpy face with the turd pulp. 

Ahh, a spa moment.

I really love my juicer. 

-The End

here or there or everywhere?

Everywhere! I wasn't sure which blog this post should be posted to so I went with both.

This is what lack of nutrition, being in the heat and a bad death stench can make my child do...
http://urrrma75.blogspot.com/2012/05/not-for-weak.html

Jesus, take the wheel, I've done it!

I perfected the perfect base for my batches of granola!
The secret is the roasting/cooking ingredients/method. It's the best granola base I have ever eaten in my life and I'm not going to modify it all anymore! Dont believe me? Ask the family passed out on my floor, shaking with happiness. Now that the base is perfected, coming up with the combinations of fruit/flower/seeds should be easy. After countless tries of yummy but mediocre bases, I do declare, that I cant believe I've done this!

look at how perfectly shiny, crunchy, healthy and yummy that base is.
Raw almonds, pepitas & sunflower seeds with unsalted peanuts, flax, toasted oat bran and rolled oats. 

I'll shout the recipe to you as you are falling off a ledge or roof but otherwise this is going to be my family recipe secret for me to pass down (unless you ask Anya, she cant keep anything a secret). I kid, come on over and eat it with me and then I'll share the secret...  aaaand bury you alive when you too, shake & pass out from yummy happiness after eating this. PRO- you'll wake up with the recipe, CON- you're 6 feet under, no one can hear your screams.

I'm disturbing.
xo

keep it real

old school stuff

don't smoke or do drugs

avoid alcohol

drink lots of water

exercise

keep nutrition HIGH & the calories LOW 

so eat your daily servings of fruits and veggies

re-teaching myself daily how important nutrients are

trying to start with 3 to 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily

perhaps one day I'll learn to exercise daily as well

1 cup broccoli, 1 packed cup spinach or trimmed kale

a cup of strawberries and a 1/2 or 1 whole banana

1/2 tbsp hemp seeds or oil (optional of course)

3/4 to 1 cup of your fav milk (i usually use coconut unsweetened but the almond was already chilled)

blend 

drink/chew/eat... enjoy

spiked water for princesses

I love how refreshing a cold glass of water is but I also am always sticking random things in there as a happy little surprise. I'm the Bob Ross of water, artsy. 
cucumbers
green pepper
strawberries
oranges
grapefruit
a splash of brewed cinnamon & cloves (that one was really good I need to make it again)
sprigs of mint
lemons, of course
but today... a splash of rose water.
Rose Water! I feel like I just tonsil hockied with a fresh cut bouquet. My breath tastes and smells so good. For someone who is sitting outside in the humidity with frizzy hair and no bra (i'm not wrestling with that thing in this heat) I sure feel like a poofy princess with this breath. I feel like dancing a ballroom dance, so pretty... but with the no bra, I'll just keep my eyes closed and keep humming to myself, tasting and smelling my breath.
Try it, come mentally dance with me.

Live long and prosper, spawns!

Hay, Paula, Paula Dean...

what did your kid eat for lunch, shuga?

 Mine ate this, swallowed down with their glass of  WATER.

Avacado,  green peppers, tomatoes, green onions
and homegrown alfalfa/chives mixed sprout & pea shoots.
oh and brocolli and cucumbers,spinach and kale... on sprouted toast
& an orange.  

I think I have every right to brag about my perfect humans. I never grew up eating this healthy stuff and look at me. I'm a few pecan pies short of looking like Paula and her hubby. I never want my kids hating their bodies like I did/do mine. Never too late to change (for me) but it's also never too early to start (for my spawns). Sure they love pop but they also pretty much love every single raw vegetable and fruit available. Just gotta know how to mix/cut and prepare it. 

Yay, health. 

Orange you glad...

... that I'm posting something?

Purely accidental but I guess today's theme is orange and brown.

A sweet potato
with cloves, cinnamon
and burnt caramelized  onions.
*foaming at the mouth*
so good.
the end.

deviant plans...

I have to get more 'cardio', as you hip folks say, in.

car·di·okärdēō  

adjective no. no, this is very much a VERB. 

is physical activity (see! verbage words. physical and activity) which raises the heart rate to around 60 to 85 percent (wtf?) of the heart's maximum (does that say maximum?) heart rate for an extended period of time, usually twenty minutes or longer (911 is on hold and please tell my children I loved them)

Dr. Dude, I cant even fathom lifting my feet off the ground so how the (a whole bunch of expletives) am I  going to run, jog, walk, crawl, drag myself down the block or even out of my yard?
I'm going to start taking my pulse when I'm stressed out to the max and pray for a miracle since my brain runs 987,658,991,018 miles a second, it really should be some form of exercise. 

My quick deviant brain tells me other ways to raise my heart rate... I could always try and:

drive towards oncoming traffic

tap dance on a land mine field 

fall down stairs

slap then run from the po-po

trip

give a 4 year old a loaded gun

look at baby animals

lick an electrical outlet

put on pantyhose or wet bathing suit

stab a toaster

hire someone stand behind me and yell Boo! in the dark

have vans with tinted windows drive by slowly

take off pantyhose or wet bathing suit

touch Jarred Hasselhoff... or David

slip in the tub

stub my toe

sit on a washing machine (if it shakes my guts, brain and heart, it's cardio. I said so)

...for 20 minutes a day. 

No, Campbell. This is a vegetable soup.

Ingredients that I used
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 large onion, minced
3 organic carrots, scrubbed and chopped
4 celery stalks, chopped
2 yellow, red and orange peppers (remove seeds & chop)
1/2 head of green cabbage (no matter fancy, savory or reg, chopped)
1 large canned tomatoes (I used the tomatoes that I canned this summer)
1 bunch of organic kale (remove stalk from tip to end, it's too chewy)
1/2 bunch of spinach (trim the stems off, stems make it bitter)
5 or 6 cups of water

use a large heavy pot. brown onions and garlic with a few tablespoons of water. add peppers, celery, carrots, cabbage with a cup of water. Let it cook and wilt a bit. Add the tomatoes and remaining water (depends how strong or weak you like it. I like mine like a chunky stew so I add 4 cups) Add the Kale when water boils and I added the spinach to the bowls right before serving because it looks purty.

You will hate this soup if you are not a vegetable fanatic...Jerrick will only drink the broth, Brian gags at the smell or thought of it and Anya loves the whole thing if I add a teaspoon of nutritional yeast in her bowl. I will mosey up to the store to buy zucchini and squash and add it along with brown rice or barley for dinner. This will last me till tmw, woot!

homemade canker sores

if you dont get canker or cold sores here's how to get a fake one.

Pineapple, kiwi, mango, lemon juice, buddha hand fruit zest, papaya, coconut

Eat slowly, savor it... feel the acid burning your tongue, ding! canker sore :).

nom nom nom

dude...

some good shit (it's kale chips, not weed, man)

So I was sitting here eating chips earlier reading blogs and it dawned on me... doode! How come I never shared this or posted about these kale chips? holy crap these things are so cheap and good!
Kale (it's always cheap this week it's $0.89 a pound, woot)
Simplest thing ever to make.
Wash it, pay dry, rip leaves from the mother stalk, all the way, tip to end, the stem/stalk is super chewy, tough. You dont want to eat that in your chips. If you are frugal like me, I save my good veggie scraps for stock and Kale stalk is so full of flavor.

Anyhoo, here is the recipe for the chips

1 big bunch of fresh kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast (optional, you can add your fun eating junk here)

rip the clean leaves off, put into a big bowl. One tablespoon of olive oil drizzeled in the bowl. I take each leaf and rub it over then place on a baking sheet. The leaves will look shiney, it's not much oil at all. Make sure leaves are not over lapping (i use 3 trays) Then i sprinkle mine with nutritional yeast. I've seen stores make em with parmesan cheese, sea salt, garlic etc but I like mine this way not their way (stick it to the man) Bake at 250 for 25 minutes. I make these all the time. I also save the small crumbs and top it in our air popped corn, egg whites or my homemade (patting myself on my head) yogurt cheese. No butter or salt needed. Da bomb!

God, for real?

I have the willpower of a fucking rusty sieve.

What's the dealio? Exercising sucks, I get it. Being fat is way suckier. Who wants to sound like their grandpa? I miss him but not enough to channel his grunts of despair when getting up off the floor.
I'm still a frugal, meatless, healthy shopper but because of my lack of cardio, not eating enough throughout the day, having one too many beers and loading up on white starchy carbs because I am an addict to potatoes has done ZILCH for this chick. I know what i have to do but I'm such a pansy. I'm such a BLOB of a limp dying pansy, I am a heavy, dead, blob of flower. That is how much of a pansy I am.

Extremely discouraged... this sucks so bad. Wishing I could say I lost 20 pounds or even 10. I hate myself right now. I hope a goat headbutts me right in the gut at such full force it gives me miracle abs. See? Pansy me, always wishing for the easy magical miracles.

normal eggs? Not no mo'!

Just a fast 2 minute blurt...
Why did we waste our mornings and eat plain milk and egg omelets for so long? Some mornings had mushrooms or onions, sometimes cheese or even spinach. How lame... Not no mo'! 
My mom shared a trick about placing a long sprig of rosemary in soups for a short time and it makes the broth, kick you in the throat, good. Since I love being kicked in the throat, but think she's whack for cooking soup in August, I wanted to try it right away! I was melting butter for omelets when the idea hit me to drop a stick of rosemary in it. I am now hooked so I ran over to tell you about it. Just make sure you take it out before adding the eggs and all the whatnot stuff that you add. Remember I want to be kicked but however long you leave it in, is your preference I just wouldn't leave it in too long. Probably no more than 45 seconds. I want a do over of all those lame mornings. I ought to make up for all the years lost to plain omelets and create different versions 5 times a day.

 Onions, tomatoes, a big handful of fresh spinach & egg whites topped with turkey, chives and onion spouts. 

ahh, that was a nice kick.

fruity stew

It was a dark and stormy night morning... 



There is just something weird to me about having cereal or eating yogurt for breakfast on a rainy and gloomy  morning. It's like making a "Yay, you are 5!" birthday card and only having brown glitter, getting a back rub from a midget Gerard Butler, or a crying unicorn. There's just no point in trying to mesh bummers with happiness. Not really bummers because I do love the rain but ya know it tranquilizes a person. There's no energy packed blow dart for a reason.

Or is there?... 

When it was rainy a couple days ago, I whipped up a healthy "heavy fruity stew" I was so full that I caught myself slipping in and out of consciousness like how grandpas do, upright in the chair. I was falling into a food coma even though I had just woken up 30 mins ago. A protein shake never did that! So comfy, yet in a few minutes, I was buzzing around everywhere with energy.

Heavy Fruity Stew 

1/2 cup of nonfat yogurt

1 - 2 tbsp freshly ground flaxseeds 

1 tsp of whole flaxseed for the crunch

1 tbsp of oat bran

1 tbsp of chia seeds

1/2 cup fresh strawberries & 1/2 banana sliced (next time I'm doing fresh blueberries)

combine all ingredients and top with fruit. 

wait a few minutes (for chia and flax seeds to thicken yogurt) 

Probably shouldn't eat this every morning due to the temporary lethargy it causes but here are some suggestions on when it's okay to do so... 

• "I hate you aunt flo, you must die" bad cramp day
• I cant believe all I have in my fridge is flax, chia seeds, oatbran, yogurt, berries and bananas. What will I eat?
• I need comfort food even though I don't have time to get depressed since I just woke up
• I'm laying on a faux bearskin in front of the fireplace with a beefcake and it's snowing outside of my log cabin
• I wonder how Grandpa felt when he slept like that
• I need a healthy blowdart to the stomach

sticky balls

My eyes detach themselves and roll back in my head when I eat one because it's that gooooood!

much modified form of almond rice chews from the internet. I wish I remembered the site but I just wrote the recipe it down awhile ago on an past due electric bill envelope. My changes are in the (parenthesis) and I call em sticky balls. 

• 1/4 cup chunky almond butter (I used 1/4 of crunchy raw almond butter usually, can use any nut butter I assume)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract (1 tsp almond extract)
• 1 cup rice crisp cereal 
• 3 tbsp brown rice syrup (They don't sell that shit anywhere so I used 3 tbsp of honey)
• 1 tbsp cacao nibs (yuck, I used dried currants, YUM!)

mix nut butter, extract and syrup/honey together, nuke for 30 seconds then mix in rice cereal while still hot, fold in the 1 TABLESPOON of the "sweet treat" chocolate or any dried fruit. 

Wet hands and I use a table spoon to heap scoop out beer pong ball sized balls. 

Seal it in something on wax paper, put in fridge or freezer. I do the latter. Lick bowl clean. 

Eat it before you work out because it's an awesome pre-workout food :) Candy/cookie before working out? Trick is you can only eat one *whimper* but still, I freeze mine so it takes LONGER to eat.